


Varrayar (Not a Typo)

by ana



Category: Vorkosigan Saga - Lois McMaster Bujold
Genre: About Porn But Not Porn, Crack, Epistolary, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-17 20:14:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15469161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ana/pseuds/ana
Summary: Some unusual porn comes Ivan's way leading to an exchange of messages between family members.What can I say - it's crackfic. You have been warned!





	Varrayar (Not a Typo)

**Author's Note:**

> All Ivan's meandering strikethroughs are unsent.
> 
> I've given Miles a birth date - happy birthday, Miles! :D
> 
> 'the olds' - slang for older generation

 

 

**On 21/09, 19:37:52 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote: **

Happy Birthday, coz.

IXV

 

 

**On 22/09, 19:37:04 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

That’s it? You call that a birthday greeting?

M

 

 

**On 22/09, 23:01:35 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

~~You have never given me a birthday greeting since Aunt Cordelia stopped forcing you to wish me happy birthday when we were kids –you sulky bastard. Never liked anyone’s birthday unless it was your own.  Older you’re no better. Never bought me that promised drink for any of my birthdays or my promotion. I’m the only one in this damned family apart from the olds I s'pose who keeps up with everyone’s blasted birthdays. Why do I bother? Why?~~

This is the first time you’ve ever responded to any of my birthday messages. At least I send birthday greetings you ungrateful sod.

IXV

  

**On 09/10, 19:37:12 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

I’ll send you a medal. You can pin it next to your fake captain tabs.

M

 

 

**On 12/11, 23:01:08 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

**…**

 

 

**On 13/11, 14:06:10 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

I can’t believe you’re still doing that. Are you speechless or unable to locate your brain or think the ellipsis represents something profound? We could never tell at the academy what your ellipsis meant and I can’t tell now. Enlighten me.

M

 

**On 13/11, 23:39:01 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

**…**

 

 

**On 12/12, 09:08:08 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

Some anonymous wag sent me a belated birthday present to pass on to you.  It’s called _Varrayar_ (not a typo). One of those porn stories calling itself ‘political satire.’  I know there’s been a few of these making digs at the empire but I think this may be the first porn one in this format. You read the story and activate the vids for the animated sex. Animated as in graphic animation not animated as in animated although it was quite animated. Does anyone ever read the story?  Surely everyone just watches the vids. Not my thing though.

If you can get it over there you need to access it and give Gregor’s people a nudge since he’s about to do that galactic tour. Someone may ask if he’s going to ban it if it floods the net although so far there is no sign of this Varrayar anywhere. Quite odd.

I can’t send vidcomms - encryption is up the creek on the new patch. 

IXV

 

 

**On 13/12, 17:06:11 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

I’m not falling for it. Trying to get me to buy your dubious porn and I don’t want to know any more about your extracurricular habits. It was bad enough when your mother found your porn stash when you were at the academy and _I_ suffered for it when we came home. All because you made up that pathetic story of it belonging to ‘a friend’ and you had _no idea_ what it was but you were keeping it for him. FFS! If you had laughed it off or been a man about it we wouldn’t have been subjected to that talk from both my parents.  Do you remember that vid my mother insisted on showing us until your mother stopped it? And she wouldn’t leave the room.

M

 

 

**On 14/12, 02:01:01 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

It wasn’t a stash! It was one damned thing. ~~I destroyed the rest. Trust Mamere to redecorate my room when I left. I knew she was up to something.~~

~~It’s not my fault your mother’s a Betan and Uncle Aral never said a word in that talk. How could you forget? He left the room after two minutes and left it to them. Why our mothers insisted on sitting in the room while we were watching it I don’t know.  Won’t be surprised if I end up in a Betan therapy clinic in my old age because of that vid and everything you’ve put me through.~~

And I would never buy political porn. I’ve attached the blurb with the sex annotations they include here that they black out when they sell these at home ~~(unless you know where to go in town. I wonder who does that? Does someone sit there with a marker crossing out all the sex notes? Do they get to watch it as they black it out. Doesn’t sound like a bad job actually.~~

Here’s a copy of the part 1 ‘summary’.

_President Lisa from Qoomer visits Varrayar (Lisa sex in shuttle with tiny assassin companion tiny Milo Crayfish.) Lisa meets King Greg who rules from a wooden castle (Greg sex in mud with animals and servants). Lisa sees past the hovel (Greg and Lisa sex in the castle lit by candles) and sees past the mud (Greg and Lisa sex in the mud and Greg insists on including tiny Duke Milo Borlosigan who is tiny Milo Crayfish’s clone.) Greg and Lisa fall in love and she sets about civilising him (Greg sex with Lisa and tiny Duke Milo and  tiny assassin Milo – no animals). Lisa introduces Varrayar to electricity. (Two indoor orgies with modern lighting and legal chemsex – no candles and no animals). Greg fears that tiny Duke Milo and tiny Milo Crayfish and his three drugged sex slaves Tory, Elayne and Ellen will seduce Lisa away from him with illegal Varrayaran chems and his surgically enhanced penis. But Lisa seduces them both to get them away from the poor pony Nerys and to free his sex slaves. End of Part 1_

 

A bit of an odd confused ending even for part 1 porn. Needs a serious edit that summary.

You know, coz.  Now I’m thinking about it maybe this is more about getting at you than G&L. Some of those names sound familiar.  Sure your exes didn’t have anything to do with this?  I can’t transmit it, do you want me to send you this copy?

 

IXV

 

**~~~~**

 

**On 16/12, 07:06:01 EST, By < Bye@Bye.emp> wrote:**

Did you like my gift for your cousin?  _My Family and Other Animals_ would have been a better title than _Varrayar_ but I believe it’s taken.

BV

 

 

**On 16/12, 10:02:19 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

You sent it me? Why?

IXV

 

 

**On 16/12, 10:05:11 EST, By < Bye@Bye.emp> wrote:**

You insist on rudely blocking my calls and you wouldn’t come to my room when I asked; we could have viewed it together. I still have that delightful bottle of red.

BV

 

**On 16/12, 10:13:19 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

You know that’s not what I mean.

IXV

 

 

**On 16/12, 10:20:06 EST, By < Bye@Bye.emp> wrote:**

Miles hadn’t received his copy; he needed to move on it and I knew you would nudge him. I happened to have procured my own copy. But he’s received it now so I have no doubt our Auditor will bring it all to the inevitable denouement.

BV

 

 

**On 16/12, 10:21:04 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

What do you mean he needed to move on it? ~~I don’t know why I’m asking. What is wrong with me? I need to stay out of this.~~

Are you part of that crazy filth?

IXV

 

 

**On 16/12, 10:25:14 EST, By < Bye@Bye.emp> wrote:**

Not in the way you think but I take it it’s not to your taste. What is?  Come by and tell By all about it and I’ll fill you in at my end. Fully.

I depart Earth in a in a few days, you can come and see me off. Wear your dress uniform.

BV

 

 

**On 16/12, 17:01:01 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

~~Is he serious? I can’t tell if he’s serious.~~

Goodbye, By.

IXV

 

 

**On 16/12, 17:05:11 EST, By < Bye@Bye.emp> wrote:**

A raincheck then.

BV

 

**~~~**

 

**On 16/12, 24:06:11 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

What. The. Shit.  We received our own anonymous copy today and I convinced Ekaterin not to watch it. I wish I could undo what I saw. My God. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? WHAT THE HELL!?  WHAT DISEASED MIND PRODUCED THIS?

M

 

**~~~**

 

**On 15/12, 19:37:52 BST, Jole < Jole@Aral.emp> wrote:**

Candles, Aral? You viewed it and that’s what bothers you? Not the poorly disguised names or bestiality but the lack of realism regarding _lighting?_ That will forever be their dig at Barrayar. They see us in the ToI and can’t stand that we didn’t stay there.

 

 

**On 15/12, 19:50:12 BST, Aral < Aral@Aral.emp> wrote:**

So serious, Oliver. It’s not that. It’s not the first attempt to belittle our home and the production values are very low.  Best ignored or it will be like that hideous A&C drama that I believe is still going strong.  This one is targeted at the boy judging by second half. It looks like some disgruntled ex-staff of his have decided to vent their spleen in a novel way. Let Miles deal with it and as long as there is no attempt to ban it, it will fade away. 

But forty lit candles in a stable filled with hay. Who would do that?

 

 

**On 16/12, 12:37:17 BST, Cordelia < Cordy@Cordy.emp> wrote:**

So Barrayaran, Aral.  And what they were doing _on_ the horse was realistic?  That poor horse. Has Alys seen it? She told me she received a copy.

 

 

**On 16/12, 12:49:46 BST, Aral < Aral@Aral.emp> wrote:**

Can you picture her face if Alys did watch it?  If only there was a way to see that. Let’s fly back to Barrayar and see if we can coax her to watch it.

 

 

**On 16/12, 13:01:01 BST, Cordelia < Cordy@Cordy.emp> wrote:**

Are you serious?

Have you been drinking?

 

 

**On 16/12, 13:03:12 BST, Aral < Aral@Aral.emp> wrote:**

No

 

 

**On 16/12, 13:04:02 BST, Jole < Jole@Aral.emp> wrote:**

Yes he has.

 

 

**On 16/12, 13:37:02 BST, Alys < Alys@Alys.emp> wrote:**

No, Cordelia, I’m not watching it. How peculiar that they put a disclaimer about the animals not being harmed when they are animated, it’s quite ridiculous. There is no need for me to view this filth. I’ve heard enough.  I agree with Simon, better to ignore or laugh at it I suppose.

Lady Alys

 

**~~~**

**On 16/12, 14:00:02 BST, Simon < Simon_Says@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

Milo Borlosigan?

I’ve not laughed this hard in ages.

But I don’t recommend you watch it, Alys. I’ve never seen animation that graphic. Pun unintended.

S

 

 

**On 16/12, 13:37:02 BST, Alys < Alys@Alys.emp> wrote:**

Are you implying I’m too delicate to watch this, Simon?

Lady Alys

 

 

**On 16/12, 14:00:02 BST, Simon < Simon_Says@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

I would never dare imply any such thing, Alys.

S

 

 

**On 16/12, 20:37:02 BST, Alys < Alys@Alys.emp> wrote:**

…

 

**~~~**

 

**On 17/12, 01:06:11 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

You missed out something. There’s an I(v)an in that vid who has sex in the stables with a horse. Did you not access that animated animation? Lisa keeps trying to civilise him away from the horse with her gravity defying breasts and many candles. These idiots were obsessed with candles. Not very subtle.

M

 

 

**On 17/12, 10:01:03 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

It’s political porn. It’s not meant to be subtle and Ian is not me.

IXV

 

 

**On 17/12, 11:05:09 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

Ian is you.

M

 

 

**On 18/12, 11:02:20 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

Ian is not me.

IXV

 

 

**On 19/12, 04:14:06 BST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan.

Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan.

Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan.

Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan.

Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan.

Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan.

Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan. Ian is Ivan.

 

M

 

 

**On 19/12, 22:09:04 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

You’re a childish prick. A childish surgically enhanced prick. Those two ‘Milos’ getting it on - explains so much about you.

Porn horse Nerys is Fat Ninny

IXV

 

 

**On 21/12, 12:37:52 EST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

Hey!!

M

 

 

**On 22/12, 01:02:19 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

Alright that was below the belt. Apologies to Fat Ninny.

So I hear it’s over. One of your exes did it then?

IXV

 

 

**On 23/12, 12:37:52 EST, Miles < Miles@Miles.emp> wrote:**

Not my exes.  They are ex-Dendarii – three arsehole diseased imbeciles, I thought I’d seen the last of them. They only sent copies to members of our family. All copies have been accounted for and have all been incinerated. G&L didn’t receive any. I know I don’t need to ask you to make sure your copy is destroyed.

They were amateurs. It cost them too much produce copies because of the shoddy tech they used and they couldn’t afford a pornnet licence. They tried to distribute it legally but were ‘informed’ by lawyers that they would likely be sued by the Empire and they got chicken.  Byerly has had a hand in this, got them to hamstring themselves via his dubious connections.  It shouldn’t have gone this far but By has his own ‘methods’ of resolution which I will speak to him about. He’s there on Earth too, isn’t he?  Surprised he’s not looked you up. And down.

But it’s all done.  I’ve dealt with it although it will take a thousand years to wipe the stain of those images from my brain.

Ekaterin insists I tell you we’ll have a belated birthday drink or dinner for you when you return home at Winterfair. I told her you don’t care about that. You should buy me a drink though. You missed my birthday.

M

 

 

**On 24/12, 19:37:52 EST, Ivan X < I.X.V@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

**…**

 

**~~~**

**On 24/12, 10:12:11 BST, Dono < DonV@Barrayar.emp> wrote:**

By, when you return from your travels drop by. I received the strangest anonymous gift that has been keeping Olivia and I both appalling amused. Have you heard of _Varrayar?_

DV

 

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: No animated animals or candles were harmed during the production of this fic.
> 
>  
> 
> Many thanks as always to a_shepherd and Zoya1416 for beta reads :D


End file.
